Meet Falconman – the hilarious crappy ripoff of Batman

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falconman

Tired of seeing the action-packed superhero movies based on comic book heroes from Marvel and DC Comics, and want something more original? For the very few people who actually said yes to that rhetorical question, meet Falconman – a superhero movie starring two well-known Francophone actors: Gerard Depardieu and Jean Claude Van Damme.

As the name suggests, the hero of the film is Falconman. He is the “21st century reincarnation of Robin Hood” – according to the film’s synopsis – and saves the masses from “getting cheated by conspiracy of bankers, brokers and bookies, [who are] working for villains and stealing everyone’s lifesavings in masses.”

In other words, instead of protecting the world from devastation or stopping criminals from destroying the city, Falconman is interested in stopping corruption in gambling. Because that’s what superheroes are for: protecting punters from losing money unfairly.

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He also leads a team called the Falcon Force (you can obviously tell that he has a thing for falcons), which consists of four supermodels named America, Asia, Europe and Africa. The website doesn’t really go into detail about the Falcon Force, only saying that they wear wingsuits and using falcons to fight alongside Falconman.

Falconman also has a number of gadgets at his disposal to fight crime. However, they are unconventional and over-the-top. His helmet, for example (as seen below), has “built-in Google Glass”, a sound system, cameras at the front and back, a gun, rocket launchers, and a blade sticking at the top. His shoes also has blades, but also includes a mini jet engine, a Morse Code keyboard so you can send messages via your toes, and a zipper that can transform the shoe into a grenade bomb.

falconman-helmet

Who is the real Falconman?

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Falconman – or Graf Horus – comes from a very rich family. He owns a number of vineyards and breweries nearby his castle (called Falconstone), and a falcon breeding business for the rich and famous. There must be a market, because the falcon breeding business is the biggest income bringer as he is – somehow – losing money on the wine business.

He also has a complicated relationship with the rest of his family, especially with his godfather:

His grandfather… tells Horus that the only way to save their beloved castle is to enter into a bet with the devil; Horus’ godfather – the world’s fiercest and richest tycoon – VJ. VJ lends them the money with a deadline to pay back, or give up the castle. After 5 years, the payback is due. Horus and Markus, plan a three day series of events to raise money, and pay off VJ. This was VJs plan all along, as many years ago he secretly had an affair with the mother of FALCONMAN fathering the step-brother Matthias. To keep it a secret he arranged for the mother to be killed in the fire that scarred FALCONMANs face banning him to wear the golden mask forever. This plan was also to help his own son Matthias to get control of the castle. Mathias who is spoiled rich by VJ is the Grand Prix world champion, driving for VJs F1 Team.

You seriously cannot make this stuff up.

In addition, Falconman has a very, very weird relationship with his falcon named Diva. According to the character biography:

Horus has a special relation with the falcon called Diva who is a white Siberian girl falcon. She breeds the best baby falcons that can be sold for as much as $200.000 per young trained chick. 5-8 of those falcons are born each year. Horus has to artificially inseminate Diva by putting a finger with bio engineered sperm into her. Thus Diva thinks Horus is her husband and father of her children.

Eww.

So, who is playing the lead character in the film? Nobody knows. The film producers have not released any information about who will play Falconman, other than that it hopes to have a son of a famous actor to play the role. The main reason? So they can get free publicity using the “heritage of their names”.

They also have a poll on their website for you to choose who do you think should play Falconman. The person leading the vote is Kristopher Van Varenberg, the son of Jean Claude van Damme; followed by Patrick Schwarzenegger.

Who is behind the film?

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Falconman is being produced by Fashion TV, a television channel based in Paris that is devoted to fashion. In fact, the company’s CEO – Michel Adam – is credited as one of the writers and will make an appearance in the film. Adam plays a fictionalised version of himself (called “The Fashion“) where he builds the communication technology used by them (apparently based “directly from falcons”) and helps Falconman find attractive models to be part of the Falcon Force.

The other credited writer is Anthony Hickox, who is known for directing several British and American horror films – such as Waxwork and its sequel, Waxwork II: Lost in TimeHellraiser III: Hell on Earth; and Warlock: The Armageddon. Hickox is also credited as the director of the film.

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Despite the fact that the movie hasn’t even come out yet, Fashion TV has plans to produce an entire franchise around the film – including ideas on film sequels, television spin-offs, comic books, and video games based around the Falcon Force. According to its website, they plan release a film sequel every year and have it based around different “mega-sports” – such as football, basketball, tennis and cricket.

They also have plans to sell a lot of merchandise around Falconman. So get ready to see Falconman-branded t-shirts, tank tops, dresses, shoes, gloves, jewelry, hats, socks, underwear, bikinis, perfume, cosmetics, board games, beverages, belts, watches, keyrings, handbags, backpacks, plastic cups, towels, hotel accessories, buttons and zips, napkins, buckets, balls, pens, pins, wallets, bracelets, awards, cars, mountain bikes, skateboards, motorcycle helmets, and iPhone covers – just to name a few.

I wish I was making all of that up, but I’m not.

Again, let me remind you that this film is not even out yet.

Is this film ever coming out?

Falconman was supposed to come out last September through the many video on demand platforms that Fashion TV has. They even had a flashy launch party in Cannes to celebrate the film’s premiere. However, it now appears that the film’s release date has been pushed back to this year and is still filming, according to its IMDB page.

The producers behind the film have been working on this film since 2013 – and under different names. According to Cracked, it was first promoted by Jean Claude van Damme as “TRIIIPLE IMPACT” and was billed as a sequel to 1991’s Double Impact. It then soon changed to “Luxury Meets Justice”, with a similar plot to Falconman:

IN LUXURY MEETS FASHION, JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME BRINGS JUSTICE TO MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE FROM THE GREEDY CRIMES OF CORRUPTED TYCOONS. THE LONE WORRIER (sic) OF ANCIENT TIMES, WHO IS HIRED TO CLEAN THE WORLD FROM WHITE COLLAR CRIMINALS AND SEE THAT JUSTICE IS DONE IN LUXURIOUS FASHION, ACCOMPANIED BY A BAND OF DEADLY MODELS.

In fact, van Damme went to Hong Kong and was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal about the film. Since then, he is no longer credited in the IMDB page – despite being listed on the posters found on the website and his image being used for Carlos.

It wouldn’t be surprising if this film never comes out. But if Falconman somehow does get released, then we’ll definitely tell you so you can judge for yourselves how shit terrible awful good the film is.

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